My Companion Only Ever Talks On Her Topics: Is It Time to End the Friendship?

I have been friends for more than 20 years, a person who's faced and conquered several challenges, her resilience is commendable. Yet, she has been often caught off guard in relationships. Her husband walked away, which came as an unexpected event. Many of her social circle disappeared then, because they seemed focused solely on the spouse. She was stunned by her deeply. She put in greater energy in our friendship, probably realised more clearly what friendship was.

A Recurring Theme of Disappearance

Throughout this period, several close to her have disappeared leaving her certain of the reason. The company she worked for suddenly changed toward her, although she was highly competent, her exit happened unaware of the reason for the change.

Current Dynamics

Lately, both of us left the workforce leading to more frequent meetups, yet I realize my role in the relationship is to listen. I introduce discussion points and she changes conversation onto her own topics. In terms of politics, she has unyielding views. I try to recommend double-checking information and alternate views.

She's been arranging a vacation to a country I know well many times and lived in for some time. I tried to share personal experiences, but this was unappreciated. She purely just desired validation of her choices. I've just returned from 30 days there she is eager to catch up, but I don't.

Considering the Choices

I don't want to be a friend who cuts and runs without explanation, yet I doubt she will ever comprehend the effect of her behaviour on my confidence. At this point, my state is distancing myself. What should I do?

Ways Forward

It's possible to cut and run, yet this is not often the easy answer we hope for. Yet having a direct talk with the goal of resolution requires bravery and willingness from both people.

Therapists recommend using a useful conflict resolution tool:

"The first step requires explaining the usual pattern in your conversations. Aim for this to be objective and clear like what a recording device would replay. Step two is to express how this affects you emotionally. There should be no disagreement on this point. Your feelings are your feelings, of course. The third step involves requesting ways you together going to change the interaction of your friendship."

Keep in mind your friend has her own side, meaning you must to remain ready to acknowledge it. An approach that works is to say your friend:

"Now you talk while I will listen without interrupting for 30 minutes."

Final Thoughts

Your friend could ignore all you say, for those who hold onto a “survival narrative”: they rely on a version about themselves they're unable to release since their identity depends upon it and it's all they trust. It's tough because there's no thoroughfare in such cases, mere obstacles. Yet she could start out like this before reflecting about what you've said. And should you never reach a resolution, it will give you closure from having been open and direct.